When Primary Answers Don’t Seem Like Enough

As I sat in Primary, with my little feet dangling, my teacher asked us how we can be happy. We each raised our hands, one-by-one chiming off: Go to church. Read your scriptures. Pray morning and night. Attend the temple. Now, as I sit in Gospel Doctrine with my legs crossed, the teacher asks us how we can be successful. Our answers carry over from Primary and apply themselves to nearly every other question asked.

I value these Primary answers and the standards they represent, and I’ve tried to live by them. But they haven’t always seemed like enough. Despite my best efforts to live righteously, my life has gone through waves of spiritual highs and lows. And in those lows, I’ve felt worse than imperfect; I’ve felt the pain of seeing my potential and then looking down at the ever-widening gap between who I want to be and who I am.

During these times of self-doubt, I begin focusing on who I am not. Yes, I go to church, but I don’t always feel the Spirit. Yes, I read my scriptures every day, but my study is lacking. Yes, I pray, but it feels one way. And yes, I am temple-worthy, but visits are few and far between. Feeling completely inadequate, I work to change. But, inevitably, I fall short.

The Church has this list of Primary answers, or standards, we are to live by, and when we do so, we are promised happiness. But I live those standards, and I’m still unhappy. Either there is something wrong with me or there is something wrong with God—and I can’t bring myself to believe the latter. But the problem isn’t my imperfection, and it certainly isn’t God; the problem is that I am focusing too much on the standards and too little on the reason we have them.

The reason is Christ. We go to church to remember Christ and renew our covenants. We read our scriptures to learn of Him and His doctrine. We pray in His name to receive guidance and assistance. We attend the temple because He made those ordinances possible. When I am in those spiritual lows, in the depths of smothering inadequacy, I remain there because I am focusing on my imperfections and not on my perfection through Christ. In the words of Michael D. Barnes:

The problem with perfectionism is that no one is perfect now, and perfectionism creates unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others. . . .

. . . While hard work and personal dedication were helpful in dealing with my weakness, only the Atonement could fully compensate for my weakness. . . .

. . . I fully embraced the fact that perfection could not come on my own. [“Finding Strength in Christ,” 1 July 2008]

I may see my short-comings, but Christ sees my strengths. He does not expect me to be perfect; He expects me to try and to try through Him. So, if I treat these Primary answers as a rubric for evaluating my spirituality letter-grade, of course I’m going to be disappointed. But if I see them as a means of strengthening my relationship with Christ and as an opportunity to rely on His Atonement, I can draw closer to Him. I still go through spiritual waves, but when I focus on my Savior, I find peace in knowing that I will come back up again.