What Does God Want from Me? Motherhood or a PhD?

When two of my greatest dreams seemed to be at odds, the Holy Ghost taught me they could complement each other beautifully—but only if I remembered to put God first.

My soft steps barely made a sound on the wet pavement as I walked home. It had been about a month since my graduate school preparation course began, and while the subject absolutely enthused me at first, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with a looming conflict: How could I possibly expect to achieve my lofty academic dreams and still give my family the attention it deserved? Most seemed to write it off with a simple “You can do anything you put your mind to,” but it didn’t seem nearly that simple to me. I was alone in the darkness, lost in muddled thoughts of my future. I couldn’t imagine anything I would enjoy more than gathering around a mahogany table stacked with books to discuss Borges with my colleagues. For years I had planned on pursuing a PhD in Hispanic literature, but now the more I thought about it, the more uneasy I felt.

Something big had changed. I was now engaged to be married in three short months. Somehow, for a while, I believed that my plans could continue on unhindered—but eventually reality seeped into my thoughts. I had so many conflicting feelings. I wanted a PhD, and I also wanted to be a mom. Sometimes I felt like my intellectual pursuits were a selfish endeavor, but being a mother certainly was not—in fact, I knew it would require endless sacrifices. The kind of sacrifices that would refine me and allow me to grow in ways I never knew I could, to show more love than I ever thought I possessed.

But discussing Hispanic literature excited me, made me feel like I had found my place in the world, a place where I could thrive and let my passion take root. Hadn’t everyone told me to follow my dreams since I was a kid?

How could I possibly choose between the two? Maybe changing diapers wouldn’t lead to my magnum opus, but surely there wasn’t anything more fulfilling than teaching my own children. I didn’t want to neglect either one of my dreams. I knew God had a specific plan for me, but in what direction would it lead?

A few weeks went by, and I couldn’t seem to shake my feelings of confusion—until I happened upon a talk called “In His Steps,” which was given by President Ezra Taft Benson in 1979. It had an unassuming title but contained simple and powerful words that I needed to hear. Of the choice between gaining professional skills and becoming a mother, Benson stated, “I do not think it needs to be an ‘either/or’ choice; but if it does, then choose the divine mission preparation.”

I knew that motherhood was truly a mission given by God—but I didn’t necessarily need to sacrifice my PhD to have children. In fact, my further education would benefit my children. I just had to be ready to show my Father in Heaven where my priorities were and what I was willing to sacrifice to put Him and my family first. I could have it all, but I had to trust that however God’s timing worked out, it would be for the best.

While I still don’t have a clear-cut answer to my question, I know that if I am faithful and obedient, my Heavenly Father will lead me to make the best decision for myself and my family. If that means that I have to postpone my graduate studies for a while or that my time to be a mother isn’t for a few years, that’s okay. I know my story will be a success if I just follow God’s plan for me.

—Faith Sutherlin Blackhurst

Faith Sutherlin Blackhurst is an editorial intern at BYU Magazine. Her finest talents include eating too many dinner rolls, burning bacon to a melt-in-your mouth crisp, and making meals with whatever happens to be in the fridge. She aspires to be a trilingual university professor and editor of a literary academic journal.