Dark clouds filled the Provo sky on April 15, 2003. It was the due date for our second daughter, but there were still no signs of imminent delivery. My wife, Christine, was concerned that she had not felt the baby move for a day or so. She felt urgently that we needed to go to the hospital for a test. I thought she was overly cautious, but we went.<\/p>\n
I remember our cheerful nurse that morning, chatting away as she hooked Christine up to monitors and quickly found a heartbeat. All was well.<\/p>\n
With the monitor running, the nurse left the three of us\u2014Christine, one-year-old Lizzy, and me\u2014chatting pleasantly in the room.<\/p>\n
Suddenly something changed. The reassuring, regular beep of the heart monitor stopped. We called for the cheerful nurse, who assured us that this happens\u2014babies move or monitors slip. It would just take a second to find the heartbeat. I remember the nurse\u2019s face as she searched for the heartbeat, her smile fading, her eyes becoming serious. Still searching. She called for another nurse to try. No, she couldn\u2019t find it either. Oh, there it was. Wait\u2014no, that was Christine\u2019s heartbeat.<\/p>\n
And then there was a sudden rush of nurses into the room. There were calls for doctors and hurried explanations. I sat in the corner, holding Lizzy on my lap, watching with a growing, helpless dread. Emergency C-section, they said, and they rushed out the door with my wife.<\/p>\n
Lizzy and I retreated to the hallway where, in a few minutes, a cart sped by with a too-white, too-still, too-quiet baby on it. Was that our baby? It wasn\u2019t clear. In a room behind glass windows, doctors painstakingly inserted an IV through the tiny umbilical cord. Yes, I was told, that is your baby\u2014not breathing, faint heartbeat, lost a lot of blood. Mother is fine.<\/p>\n
The baby\u2014Caroline, we would call her\u2014was placed on a gurney and prepped for a helicopter ride to Primary Children\u2019s Medical Center.<\/p>\n
My father had arrived. We slipped our hands beneath the plastic shield that covered my little girl and placed them on her tiny head with its dark, wispy hair. In the name of Jesus Christ and by His priesthood, I blessed her with a strong heart and lungs; I blessed her with a full recovery.<\/p>\n
Then Caroline was whisked out the door to the waiting helicopter, Lizzy went home with my parents, Christine stayed at the hospital to recover, and I drove to Salt Lake City, chasing the helicopter. I felt the sudden fragmentation of our family\u2014each of my girls now in someone else\u2019s care and me driving alone through the rain.<\/p>\n
Over the next hours and days there were a lot of tests and questions, a lot of indefinite answers and tearful conversations. Family members, friends, and ward members joined their faith with ours in earnest fasting and prayer.<\/p>\n
Gratefully, Caroline lived. In some ways the blessing I pronounced that day was fulfilled directly. She has a healthy heart and strong lungs. She did not, however, fully recover as I had stated in the blessing. Her loss of blood\u2014the cause of which is still unknown\u2014meant a lack of oxygen to her brain, which suffered severe damage.<\/p>\n
Fifteen years later, Caroline is still stuck at about a three-month-old developmental level. She cannot walk or crawl or roll over. She cannot talk, and we are unsure of what she understands. Her eyes and ears function, but it is unclear how much she can process of what she sees or hears. She has frequent seizure-like tremors, eats through a tube in her stomach, receives a special diet supplemented by a variety of medications, and regularly sees an assortment of doctors. Sometimes\u2014frequently\u2014Caroline becomes sad. She will cry and cry, and neither we nor the doctors can determine what is wrong. We just have to wait it out\u2014and pray.<\/p>\n
The good news is that Caroline is adorable. She has the biggest smile and the greatest laugh. She loves hugs and kisses, a cold wind on her face, and the rumble strips on the freeway. Caroline likes to hear our voices, and we like to hear hers. She makes cute, soft \u201caah\u201d sounds and really loud \u201cAAH\u201d sounds\u2014often in the middle of the night. She enjoys our regular gatherings in her room for morning devotional or for singing and praying before bed. She smiles big when we sing, \u201c[We\u2019re] so glad when daddy comes home,\u201d1<\/sup> which we sing every day.<\/p>\n We love Caroline. We are so grateful she is part of our family, and I appreciate how she has shaped my life. But I wish things were different. I wish she could run and sing and argue with her sister. I am often sad for her, because her life is hard. I worry that she may be uncomfortable or in pain or bored or scared, and we don\u2019t know how to help.<\/p>\n We still have dark days and long nights and unanswered questions. We also have love and joy\u2014and hope.<\/p>\n But a life like Caroline\u2019s raises questions of faith. Why was she not healed according to that first priesthood blessing? Why did the hundreds\u2014thousands\u2014of faithful prayers not yield the miracle we had hoped for? How does God let such a precious, innocent child suffer?<\/p>\n Perhaps you have similar questions. We all have circumstances that try our faith\u2014times when, despite faithful living and earnest pleading, things don\u2019t go according to the plan of happiness we envision or the divine promises we expect. You may struggle with a persistent mental illness or chronic pain. Maybe you fight a stubborn addiction. Your grief may be the result of lingering singleness or disheartening infertility. You may feel weighed down by unemployment, temptation, or the death of someone you love. You may pray ceaselessly for someone who has lost faith, or perhaps you wrestle with your own doubts.<\/p>\n Whatever the specific trial may be, we all endure seasons of distress that test the limits of our faith\u2014afflictions that may cause us to question whether what we believe can still be true in the face of such overwhelming obstacles to belief. We may feel downtrodden and defeated, confused and crumbling. We may feel that God is distant and that we are hanging by an ever-so-thin thread of faith over a gaping chasm of despair. These are \u201cthe deep waters\u201d of our lives, when we feel \u201cthe rivers of sorrow\u201d threatening to overflow upon us.2<\/sup><\/p>\n In periods of such extremity, how do we\u2014how do you\u2014sustain faith?<\/p>\n A few days before Caroline\u2019s dramatic entrance into this world, Christine and I read a talk from the October 2002 general conference by Elder Lance B. Wickman. It was a moving, thought-\u00adprovoking talk, though it seemed somewhat removed from us at the time.<\/p>\n A few days after Caroline\u2019s birth, we read Elder Wickman\u2019s talk again, now finding it directly relevant.<\/p>\n Elder and Sister Wickman had lost a young son to a childhood illness, despite many prayers and a powerful priesthood blessing. They also, we later learned, have a disabled daughter.<\/p>\n To those who face similar tests of faith, Elder Wickman said:<\/p>\n As to the healing of the sick, <\/i>[the Lord] has clearly said: \u201cAnd again, it shall come to pass that he that hath faith in me to be healed, <\/i>and is not appointed unto death,<\/i><\/b> shall be healed\u201d (D&C 42:48<\/a>; emphasis added). All too often we overlook the qualifying phrase \u201cand is not appointed unto death\u201d (\u201cor,\u201d we might add, \u201cunto sickness or handicap\u201d). Please do not despair when fervent prayers have been offered and priesthood blessings performed and your loved one makes no improvement or even passes from mortality. Take comfort in the knowledge that you did everything you could. . . . <\/i>The Lord\u2014who inspires the blessings and who hears every earnest prayer\u2014called him home nonetheless<\/i><\/b>.<\/i><\/b>3<\/sup><\/p>\n Elder Wickman shared three seldom-sung verses from our opening hymn today, \u201cHow Firm a Foundation.\u201d Since then, this has become my favorite hymn. The final verse says this:<\/p>\n The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose After Caroline\u2019s birth, we felt exquisitely the need for a firm foundation of faith, as it seemed that all hell was endeavoring to shake us. We were\u2014and are\u2014learning to lean, oh so heavily, on Jesus for repose.<\/p>\n Two years ago we were preparing for Caroline\u2019s second year at Young Women camp. Near the camp, Christine had rented a private cabin, where she could have a clean place for feeding and diaper changing and where Caroline could be loud in the middle of the night. A few days before camp, however, Caroline got sad\u2014really <\/i>sad. We knew we were likely in for a hard week.<\/p>\n Our home teachers and I gave Caroline a priesthood blessing, and within hours she started to calm down. Caroline and Christine had a wonderful, rejuvenating week at camp. It was a girls\u2019 camp miracle, a profound evidence to us of the power of the priesthood and of God\u2019s love and mercy.<\/p>\n A year later Christine was, again, prepared to take Caroline to camp and, again, Caroline got sad. A day before they left, I had a strong spiritual impression that I should give Caroline a \u00adblessing\u2014and that I should not wait. Without even telling Christine, I immediately gave Caroline a brief priesthood blessing. Then I waited for the miracle.<\/p>\n Caroline was still sad when she and Christine left for camp, and she stayed sad. She was miserable, it was exhausting, and after a couple of days, Christine and Caroline came home early, and Caroline remained sad.<\/p>\n We have had many such experiences with Caroline\u2014blessings that have been obviously \u00adfulfilled contrasted with blessings that seem to have fallen to the ground unnoticed.<\/p>\n For years I struggled with how to have faith when giving blessings or praying for heavenly help. When all depends on God\u2019s will and when God\u2019s will seems unknowable or mysterious, how do I have faith that my petition will be granted? What do I have confidence in when I lack confidence in knowing God\u2019s will?<\/p>\n Then I realized that we are not commanded to have faith in blessings but in the Giver of blessings. And the first principle of the gospel is \u201cFaith in the Lord Jesus Christ,<\/i>\u201d not faith in a charmed life free from trouble (Article of Faith 1:4<\/a>, emphasis added).5<\/sup><\/p>\n God does not expect me to pray for Caroline with faith that she will be healed; He invites me to pray for her with faith in Him, who is her Eternal Father and mine and who will, in His infinite wisdom, do what is best, though it may cause her and me\u2014and Him\u2014temporary anguish of soul. God takes the long view, and our ultimate good may mean short-term pain, confusion, or heartache.<\/p>\n In the midst of our adversity, it may be tempting to think that God has not fulfilled His promises. But we do not lean for repose on desired outcomes. As the song says, we lean for repose on Jesus, who will not desert us to our foes, though all hell may shake around us.<\/p>\n Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego exemplified this trust in God when they refused to worship Nebuchadnezzar\u2019s golden idol. Even threatened with the king\u2019s fury and fire, they defiantly declared, \u201cOur God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace. . . . But if not, <\/i>be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods\u201d (Daniel 3:17\u201318<\/a>, emphasis added).<\/p>\n \u201cBut if not\u201d\u2014Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego did not place their faith in blessings but in the Giver of blessings. Their trust in God was not dependent on deliverance from the fiery furnace; therefore, they could go forward confidently, knowing that anything could happen and they would still be secure in Christ.<\/p>\n These faithful friends were cast into the fiery furnace before there was deliverance, and there were not three but four men in the flames, \u201cand the form of the fourth [was] like the Son of God\u201d (Daniel 3:25<\/a>).6<\/sup><\/p>\n In the midst of their fiery trial, these three men\u2014who leaned for repose on Jesus, not on outcomes\u2014communed with the Son of God. Such a sacred companionship in times of trouble can be our blessing as well:<\/p>\n For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, . . .<\/i><\/p>\n And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.<\/i>7<\/sup><\/p>\n When Caroline was five, she had a stretch of waking between 2 and 3 a.m. for many nights in a row. One night after this unwelcome wake-up call, I wrote this:<\/p>\n Once you see Caroline\u2014even at 2 a.m.\u2014it\u2019s hard to maintain your frustration. . . . She smiles big when you lift her out of the bean bag she sleeps in, looking around curiously with those big, innocent eyes. . . . <\/span><\/i><\/p>\n As I was changing her diaper just now, I was absentmindedly singing one of the <\/i>[Primary] songs that Lizzy has declared we shall now sing for bedtime every night. . . .<\/i><\/p>\n . . . \u201cGod gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be.\u201d And I looked at Caroline and suddenly the words came to the forefront of my consciousness, an unexpected intersection between poetry and the reality of my life in that moment. God gave <\/i>me<\/i><\/b> a family\u2014including this 2 a.m. waker\u2014to help me become what He wants me to be. . . . \u201cThis is how He shares His love,\u201d the chorus continues, \u201cfor the fam\u2019ly is of God.\u201d<\/i>8<\/sup><\/p>\n That night I felt a brief, blessed communion with God, a confirmation that He was, in that moment, personally aware of me and Caroline and our family. And He, my Father, gave me encouragement by teaching me why we face such challenges.<\/p>\n Because God loves us, He gives us experiences \u201cto help us become what He wants us to be,\u201d and He designed this fallen world\u2014with all its imperfections and fiery trials\u2014to accomplish that purpose. As the hymn says:<\/p>\n When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie, When the early Latter-day Saints were driven by mob violence from Jackson County, Missouri\u2014after their printing press and some of their homes had been destroyed and some of the people had been tarred and feathered or whipped and beaten\u2014the Lord spoke to Joseph Smith and gave him perspective for such tribulations:<\/p>\n They shall be mine in that day when I shall come to make up my jewels.<\/i><\/p>\n Therefore, they must needs be chastened and tried, even as Abraham.<\/i> [D&C 101:3\u20134<\/a>]<\/p>\n God is making us into jewels fit for His kingdom. Think of the pressure required to form a diamond; for us to become the divine diamonds God wants us to be, we must endure some serious chastening.<\/p>\n We often honor the faith that sustained pioneers in intense difficulties. But we should also recognize that those intense difficulties forged and refined their faith; their hardships helped them become what God wanted them to be.<\/p>\n As a young teenager I read one day in the Book of Mormon about Lehi\u2019s dream, and I considered Nephi\u2019s description that \u201cthe whiteness [of the tree] did exceed the whiteness of the driven snow\u201d (1 Nephi 11:8<\/a>).<\/p>\n I thought, How did Nephi know what snow looks like?<\/i><\/p>\n I understood that Nephi had grown up in Jerusalem, which has a Mediterranean climate, and that he had traveled through a desert and across an ocean to the tropical jungles of America. I thought, Nephi never saw snow\u2014he could not know what snow looks like!<\/i><\/p>\n That thought troubled me; it appeared to be an inconsistency in the record, a possible evidence that the Book of Mormon was not true. With my young, developing faith, that was an earth-\u00adshaking thought.<\/p>\n This issue nagged at me, but over the next \u00adseveral years I reread the Book of Mormon anyway, probably a dozen times, and my testimony of the book grew. But how could I believe in the Book of Mormon so strongly when I entertained a serious question about its consistency as a historical record? Did I lack intellectual integrity?<\/p>\n Years later, as a returned missionary and BYU student, I read one day a news article about conflict in the Middle East, and I was startled to find a description of a snowy scene in Jerusalem. Wait a minute\u2014it snows in Jerusalem?! Who knew?<\/p>\n As smart as I thought I was as a teenager, I wasn\u2019t all that smart. There was no problem with Nephi\u2019s description of the tree. Nephi grew up in Jerusalem; it snows in Jerusalem.10<\/sup><\/p>\n Now this may be a simple example, but the principle applies to greater challenges. We sometimes think we are pretty smart, and when something comes along that doesn\u2019t fit our way of thinking\u2014such as information about Church history or divorce in a temple marriage or same-gender attraction\u2014it shakes us up, and we may begin to question our beliefs.<\/p>\n But maybe, like my trouble with Nephi and snow, we are just missing important perspective. Perhaps we need to be patient and wait for the resolution to come.11<\/sup><\/p>\n I am moved by the story of the father who brought to the Savior his son \u201cwhich hath a dumb spirit . . . [that] teareth him: and he foameth, and gnasheth with his teeth\u201d (Mark 9:17\u201318<\/a>; see also verses 17\u201327<\/a>).<\/p>\n Jesus told the father that all things are possible with faith (see Mark 9:23<\/a>).<\/p>\n And \u201cthe father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief\u201d (Mark 9:24<\/a>).<\/p>\n Some may look on this father\u2019s faith as weak or incomplete. But in my own extremity, I feel keenly that father\u2019s wrestle with belief, and I admire his determined, humble declaration of imperfect faith.<\/p>\n If faith were a simple, clear knowledge, it would not be so inspiring. This father\u2019s faith in seeking a blessing was powerful precisely because his faith was less than perfect. Despite uncertainty, despite years of desperate parental prayers that seemed to go unanswered, despite a failed blessing by the disciples\u2014despite all of that, this father still sought from the Son of God the blessing for which he had longed for a lifetime. He chose to believe.<\/p>\n Imperfect faith is still faith. By very definition, faith is incomplete,12<\/sup> so if you feel you lack clarity and a sure knowledge, that is okay. That is faith. Be patient with the imperfection of your faith. The incompleteness gives faith its power.<\/p>\n Faith is a courageous, optimistic response to the ambiguity and adversity of this world. Faith is a choice to believe based on an incomplete and ever-changing body of data.13<\/sup> Faith is saying, \u201cEven though I am in pain, even though I am confused, even though I don\u2019t hear God\u2019s voice clearly, I still choose to believe. I will wait on the Lord.\u201d14<\/sup><\/p>\n Patience is hard, especially when we find the waters deep and the night dark. But remember what Moroni said: \u201cYe receive no witness until after<\/i> the trial of your faith\u201d (Ether 12:6<\/a>, emphasis added). The \u201cafter\u201d means we must wait.<\/p>\n Abraham and Sarah knew something of patience. They were promised a large posterity\u2014\u201ca great nation,\u201d God said (Genesis 12:2<\/a>). As childless decade followed childless decade, the promise was repeated time and time again with no fulfillment. Yet, \u201cagainst hope [they] believed in hope\u201d (Romans 4:18<\/a>).<\/p>\n At long last, when Abraham was one hundred years old and Sarah was ninety years old, they were blessed with Isaac, the child of promise. Yet even then the promise was still just a hope. Isaac was just one person. Sarah died without meeting her grandchildren or even her daughter-in-law; Abraham died when Isaac and Rebekah\u2019s two sons were still young.15<\/sup><\/p>\n \u201cThese all died in faith,\u201d wrote Paul, \u201cnot having received the promises, but having seen them afar off\u201d (Hebrews 11:13<\/a>).<\/p>\n Several thousand years later, we see the promises made to Abraham and Sarah richly fulfilled. But in their lifetimes those promises must have seemed ridiculously out of reach.<\/p>\n Through Isaiah, God used Abraham and Sarah as an example to encourage the Israelites in their faith:<\/p>\n Look unto the rock whence ye are hewn. .<\/i> .<\/i> .<\/i><\/p>\nOn Jesus, Lean for Repose<\/b><\/h2>\n
\n<\/i>I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
\n<\/i>That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, . . .
\n<\/i>I\u2019ll never, no never, no never forsake!<\/i>4<\/sup><\/p>\n\u201cThy Gold to Refine\u201d<\/b><\/h2>\n
\n<\/i>My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
\n<\/i>The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design . . .
\n<\/i>Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.<\/i>9<\/sup><\/p>\n\u201cE\u2019en Down to Old Age\u201d<\/b><\/h2>\n