{"id":2048,"date":"2002-07-30T10:35:30","date_gmt":"2002-07-30T16:35:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/speeches.byu.edu\/?p=2048"},"modified":"2022-10-13T09:18:04","modified_gmt":"2022-10-13T15:18:04","slug":"empathy-pure-love-christ","status":"publish","type":"speech","link":"https:\/\/speeches.byu.edu\/talks\/elaine-walton\/empathy-pure-love-christ\/","title":{"rendered":"Empathy and the Pure Love of Christ"},"content":{"rendered":"

In response to a lawyer\u2019s question, \u201cWho is my neighbour?\u201d Christ told the parable of the good Samaritan (Luke 10:29\u201337<\/a>). I\u2019m sure you remember the story of the man who was robbed, stripped of his clothing, beaten, and left half dead by the side of the road to Jericho. Both a priest and a Levite saw the man but ignored his need, passing by on the other side of the road. Finally a man from Samaria stopped to help. Now, what was the difference between the three men\u2014the priest, the Levite, and the Samaritan? They were all men of good intention and subscribed to a similar moral code. What motivated the Samaritan differently?<\/p>\n

The priest had a very important responsibility as a mediator between the people and God. He was, by definition, close to God, whereas the people, because of their sins and infirmities, were distant from God. Perhaps he wished in this case to distance himself from the man, thus not polluting his priestly role. The Levite was probably a temple worker and may have been late for his shift. He wouldn\u2019t have had time to stop. We don\u2019t know the occupation of the Samaritan. We do know, however, that Samaritans were regarded as inferior and were despised by the Jews. Christ emphasized that the response of the Samaritan was motivated by \u201ccompassion\u201d (Luke 10:33<\/a>). Perhaps that compassion came from the Samaritan\u2019s own experience of being ignored and mistreated. He must have known something of what that half-dead man by the side of the road was feeling. We call such regard for another person\u2019s feelings empathy. I believe empathy was the motivating force behind the Samaritan\u2019s charitable actions.<\/p>\n

Empathy has been a key factor in my own emotional and spiritual growth, as well as my professional success as a social worker. Within the context of empathy, my profession has made me a better Christian, and my spiritual values have made me a better professional. This morning I would like to share a little about my understanding of the importance of empathy and discuss four ways in which we can enhance our ability to feel and convey empathy.<\/p>\n

As an introduction to my topic, allow me to share an important childhood memory. I was sitting on a bench with other children waiting for Primary to start. (I must have been about four or five years of age.) Admiring the brand-new shoes I was wearing for the first time that day, I was not bashful about sharing my pleasure with the other children. Helene Jones (I still remember her name) could take only so much bragging. She finally responded, \u201cWe don\u2019t like new shoes. We like our old shoes.\u201d What a shock that was for me. How could anyone not like new shoes? Then it occurred to me that my new shoes looked different through Helene\u2019s eyes than they did through mine\u2014a lesson in empathy. I was forced to borrow Helene\u2019s lenses and ask myself how I would feel if she were bragging about her new shoes to me.<\/p>\n

Harper Lee elaborated on this lesson in the book To Kill a Mockingbird.<\/i> In this story an inexperienced teacher punishes Jean Louise, or Scout, unfairly on the first day of school. That evening, Scout\u2019s father, Atticus, explains empathy to her:<\/p>\n

If you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you\u2019ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view . . . until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.<\/i> [Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird<\/i> (1960; reprint, New York: Warner Books, 1982), 30]<\/p>\n

1. Empathy is enhanced by borrowing different lenses through which to view circumstances or events\u2014seeing things from different perspectives.<\/i> As a visual aid, I brought along a map of the world. Can you find the United States? There is something familiar about this map, but it doesn\u2019t look quite right, does it? Australia is not supposed to be at the top. Let\u2019s turn the map around. Does that look more familiar? When my Australian friends first introduced me to an upside-down map of the world, it was an interesting realization for me that the directions north and south and up and down on the map were simply arbitrary decisions made by someone many centuries ago. Maps or pictures look different depending upon your orientation\u2014your perspective.<\/p>\n

Now, let\u2019s go back to the story of the good Samaritan. I\u2019m wondering how that picture of the man by the side of the road looked different to the Samaritan than to the priest and the Levite. The priest and the Levite were probably focused on something else\u2014they hardly noticed the man. But the Samaritan viewed that scene through lenses colored or cleansed by his own painful learning experiences. He saw the pain and was compelled to act.<\/p>\n

Because of our unique set of personal experiences, we have been conditioned to look at people from different perspectives. We could all be looking at the same person. Some of us would see the background. Others would see the clothing the person is wearing. And some would notice the facial expression and imagine what the person might be thinking or feeling. I am reminded of God\u2019s admonition to Samuel in the Old Testament: \u201cThe Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart\u201d (1 Samuel 16:7<\/a>).<\/p>\n

Empathy is looking on the heart\u2014a deep understanding of the feelings of others. Empathy should not be confused with sympathy, which is sharing the same feeling. In professional counseling we don\u2019t want too much sympathy because it takes away our objectivity and our ability to be useful. An example of sympathy that is not useful is a husband who has morning sickness along with his pregnant wife. (I have been told it does happen on occasion.) This husband has a perfect understanding of what his wife is experiencing because he shares the feeling\u2014he is sick, too, but he is in no condition to be useful in helping her while she is sick. Social workers must understand and respond to the breadth and depth of all kinds of feelings while remaining objective and able to help.<\/p>\n

As a social work educator I try to be like Atticus Finch. I teach my students that they cannot help a client unless they have a good understanding of how that client feels. So we work in class at developing the skill of empathy. We practice identifying feelings by asking ourselves, \u201cIf I were in that situation, how would I feel?\u201d Then we practice conveying that understanding by verbalizing the acknowledgement \u201cYou must be feeling mad, sad, glad, angry, etc.\u201d<\/p>\n

There is nothing quite like the feeling of being completely understood by another person. In fact, feeling understood may be more important to a client than getting specific help in resolving a problem or accomplishing a task.<\/p>\n

In supervising my students\u2019beginning experiences as professional counselors, I find a common theme. Inexperienced counselors generally focus prematurely on identifying and solving the client\u2019s problem\u2014such as failing grades, failing relationships, substance abuse, etc. These student counselors often come to supervision sessions frustrated\u2014wondering why they can\u2019t get the client to recognize the problem, accept responsibility, or be motivated to change. As the student and I watch the videotape of the counseling session together, I find myself asking the same question over and over again: \u201cWhat do you think the client is feeling right now?\u201d As these novice counselors become more sensitized to the feelings of their clients and acquire skills in conveying that understanding with empathetic responses, we usually see progress. We find that the clients\u2014even those with the most profound problems\u2014have remarkable ability and motivation to change and to solve their own problems once they really feel understood.<\/p>\n

I need to insert a caveat here: There is much more to professional counseling than simply conveying empathy. However, without empathy, you don\u2019t get very far.<\/p>\n

Understanding with depth and sensitivity how another person might feel is not easy. You have to be able to relate to experiences in your own life to imagine another person\u2019s feelings. For example, I am fascinated by the Lord\u2019s directive to the Israelites in Exodus 23:9: \u201cThou shalt not oppress a stranger: for ye know the heart of a stranger, seeing ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.\u201d The Lord used the principle of empathy in teaching the children of Israel, even when they were not ready for the higher law introduced later by Christ.<\/p>\n

2. Empathy is enhanced by valuing our own life experiences and using them to help us understand the feelings of others.<\/i> We don\u2019t have to have the same life events to feel the same feelings, but we do have to have experiences in our lives that teach us about the range of feelings. Our personal experiences that make us feel afraid, excited, frustrated, or angry become our teachers and give us tools to connect to other people.<\/p>\n

As a professional counselor I learned that I could use my own personal experiences to not only feel empathy for my clients but also to provide perspective (different lenses through which to view the world) to help my clients see beyond failure, anger, or fear to the possibility of hope and resolution. Let me illustrate by sharing one useful experience.<\/p>\n

Many years ago, when I was a little thinner and more physically fit, I completed a 30-day wilderness survival course. During the third week of that extraordinarily rigorous experience, we were left in groups of four or five students (without an instructor) and expected to find our way from one point on a topographical map to another point (a distance of about 50 miles). After two days of trudging through the snow in the tops of the Henry Mountains in southern Utah and getting lost on several occasions as we made our way down into the valley, my companions and I were extremely grateful on the third day to be able to identify our location with certainty. We arrived at a stream in the middle of a beautiful meadow. All we had to do was follow this river to our rendezvous point. It would be impossible for us to get lost again. So we gleefully walked along the riverbank, stopping occasionally to enjoy the scenery. The river was wide, slow, and shallow. When we chose to switch to the other side, it was easy to cross the stream by jumping from rock to rock. There came a time, however, when there was no bank. What started out as a grassy meadow had become something of a canyon. As I kept jumping from rock to rock, I remember thinking, \u201cIf only I can keep my boots dry. I hate wet boots!\u201d<\/p>\n

The stream was still slow, wide, and shallow, and when there wasn\u2019t a rock to jump to, it was a relief to find out that I could walk on flat sandstone with the water only a few inches deep. The water still would not get inside my boots. But after an hour or so of this kind of careful walking, the canyon became narrower, and there was no place to walk without getting my boots wet\u2014inside and out. We were not interested in turning around and finding another route to the rendezvous point. We had spent too much time and energy getting this far, so we bravely continued with water just above our knees. I remember thinking, \u201cIf only I can keep my pack dry. It would really be a disaster if all my clothes and my blanket got wet.\u201d Fortunately the water was quite clear, and I was able to see where to walk in order to stay in the shallower parts of the river. After an hour or two of this kind of progress, I noticed that the canyon was becoming even narrower, and the inevitable happened\u2014there was no shallow spot. We still were determined to press forward rather than backtrack, even though the bottom half of my pack was now drenched. Then, after another hour or so of carefully making my way in chest-high water, I took a step and felt nothing beneath my feet. My thoughts had evolved from \u201cif only I can keep my boots dry\u201d to \u201cif only I can keep my pack dry\u201d to \u201cif only I can stay alive!\u201d I paddled desperately for about 50 feet or so. And, finally, there was a welcome sight\u2014a break in the canyon wall and a sandy bank. We climbed out of the water and examined our packs. Everything was soaked! We made a fire, and as I sat there drying myself, my clothes, and everything in my pack, I felt only gratitude. I remember reflecting on what a waste of time it had been to worry about getting my boots wet.<\/p>\n

Now, having had that experience and other similar experiences, I can respond to a client with empathy. I can say, metaphorically, \u201cI can see that you don\u2019t like to get your boots wet\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re worried about getting your pack wet\u201d or \u201cYou must be afraid you are about to drown.\u201d I know what it feels like to be afraid you are going to drown. But even though I have empathy for my client\u2019s feelings, I won\u2019t share my client\u2019s anxiety because I also have a vision of that client sitting on the bank by a fire (metaphorically speaking) and feeling only gratitude.<\/p>\n

I have learned over the years that empathy is important for everyone, not just professional counselors. Empathy is an essential ingredient for all positive interpersonal relationships. If we couldn\u2019t at least imagine what it feels like to be in someone else\u2019s shoes or skin, we wouldn\u2019t be able to connect; we would live our lives in isolation. Empathy is the skill or characteristic that makes it possible for us to love our neighbor as we love ourselves (see Matthew 19:19<\/a>). It is empathy we demonstrate when we \u201cbear one another\u2019s burdens,\u201d \u201cmourn with those that mourn . . . , and comfort those that stand in need of comfort\u201d\u2014as taught by Alma (Mosiah 18:8\u20139<\/a>).<\/p>\n

3. Empathy is enhanced and demonstrated by reaching out to others, by focusing on their unique feelings and needs.<\/i> For example, let\u2019s assume that your roommate shares with you the bad news that he or she received a failing grade in a chemistry exam. You may be tempted to convey empathy by sharing your own experience of failure. You could say, \u201cI know exactly how you feel. I got a bad grade in physics once.\u201d Although you mean well, your roommate may not interpret your sharing as empathy\u2014at least not initially\u2014because you are focusing on your experience rather than on the experience and feelings of your roommate.<\/p>\n

Some of you may have difficulty feeling empathy for such a roommate because you have always been straight-A students. You don\u2019t know what it feels like to receive a failing grade. I suspect, however, that you know what it feels like to experience personal failure. You could say to your roommate, \u201cYeah, I feel for you. I remember when I got a B in English lit.\u201d Needless to say, that comment will also not be interpreted as empathy. Empathy is more than just reaching out to others; it is reaching out by focusing on others\u2019unique feelings and needs. So you might convey empathy to this roommate by remembering the feelings you felt when you got that B or D, and, instead of focusing on your experience, saying something like \u201cYou must really feel discouraged.\u201d With that simple acknowledgment you have opened the door to a meaningful conversation. At some point in that conversation you will probably share your personal experience of disappointment or failure, but the focus will be on your roommate\u2019s need rather than on your need to share.<\/p>\n

I cannot address the subject of reaching out to others without quoting my favorite social worker, King Benjamin, whose directives are consistent with the parable of the good Samaritan:<\/p>\n

Ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain. . . .<\/i><\/p>\n

Perhaps thou shalt say: The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just\u2014<\/i><\/p>\n

But I say unto you . . . , whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent . . . and hath no interest in the kingdom of God.<\/i><\/p>\n

For behold, are we not all beggars?<\/i> [Mosiah 4:16\u201319<\/a>]<\/p>\n

By imagining ourselves in the shoes or skin of the beggar, we can reach out appropriately\u2014not just to appease our guilt but to do our part, whatever that part may be. Through empathy we will know exactly what that beggar needs. It might be cash or it might simply be a smile or a kind word. It might be a bowl of soup in the nearest restaurant. It might be information about needed resources. And, in a few cases, it will involve ignoring the begging in order to not reinforce inappropriate behavior.<\/p>\n

4. Empathy is enhanced by praying for the understanding of others\u2019feelings.<\/i> Christ\u2019s ministry gave new meaning to the word empathy.<\/i> The empathy we typically try to practice is consistent with the commandment Christ gave at the beginning of His ministry: \u201cLove thy neighbour as thyself\u201d (Matthew 19:19<\/a>). But at the end of His ministry, after He had provided an example, His new commandment was \u201cLove one another; as I have loved you\u201d (John 13:34<\/a>). Christlike love is much more than understanding the feelings of another person. To love as Christ loves requires a perspective that surpasses our mortal ability; that is, we must share the vision and perspective of Christ. Thus empathy is enhanced by praying for the understanding of others\u2019feelings that comes only through Christ.<\/p>\n

A number of years ago I struggled through a difficult marriage and a painful divorce. My husband had broken his temple covenants and betrayed me. But he would continue as the father of my children, and I didn\u2019t want a miserable, adversarial relationship indefinitely. So I made it a matter of prayer. I said something like this: \u201cHeavenly Father, I know you love all your children, so I know you love my husband. Help me to feel about him the same way you feel about him.\u201d The result was something of a miracle. The Lord couldn\u2019t answer my desperate plea to help my husband change\u2014no amount of faith will take away another person\u2019s agency. But the Lord could take away my bitterness and help me feel empathy for my husband\u2014not empathy in the sense that I could relate to his feelings completely, but empathy for him as a son of God. I knew that Christ had all the feelings of a tender parent for my husband, regardless of his behavior. The resulting empathy has made my life much easier.<\/p>\n

\u201cLove thy neighbour as thyself\u201d is a commandment, not a suggestion. And Jesus\u2019instruction to \u201clove one another; as I have loved you\u201d is also a commandment. As disciples of Christ we accept this higher mandate. My take-home message today is that we enhance our ability to obey both of these commandments by enhancing our ability to feel and convey empathy. I challenge each of us to increase our empathy by (1) borrowing different lenses for viewing other people, (2) valuing our own life experiences and using them to help us understand the feelings of others, (3) courageously reaching out to others\u2014focusing on their unique feelings and needs, and (4) praying for the understanding of others\u2019feelings that comes only through Christ. This is my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.<\/p>\n

\u00a9 Brigham Young University. All rights reserved.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"template":"","tags":[67865],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nEmpathy and the Pure Love of Christ | Elaine Walton | BYU Speeches<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Christ taught the pure doctrine to "love thy neighbour as thyself." Elaine Walton says that we do this by enhancing our ability to empathize with others.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/speeches.byu.edu\/talks\/elaine-walton\/empathy-pure-love-christ\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Empathy and the Pure Love of Christ\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Christ taught the pure doctrine to "love thy neighbour as thyself." 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