{"id":2256,"date":"2000-08-01T13:11:28","date_gmt":"2000-08-01T19:11:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/speeches.byu.edu\/?p=2256"},"modified":"2023-10-13T08:57:06","modified_gmt":"2023-10-13T14:57:06","slug":"right-person-right-place-right-time","status":"publish","type":"speech","link":"https:\/\/speeches.byu.edu\/talks\/thomas-b-holman\/right-person-right-place-right-time\/","title":{"rendered":"The Right Person, the Right Place, the Right Time"},"content":{"rendered":"

In January of 1972, after eating at a nice restaurant and attending the Osmonds in concert, I asked my wife to marry<\/a> me. She said, \u201cNo.\u201d A little over a month later, as I was walking her home from Church, she said, \u201cWell, are you going to marry me or am I going to have to get a job?\u201d I wisely agreed to marry her. She had, very sensibly, not accepted my invitation too quickly and been careful to make sure she had chosen the right man. She understood President Gordon B. Hinckley\u2019s counsel: \u201cThis will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry. . . . Marry the right person in the right place at the right time\u201d (\u201cLife\u2019s Obligations,<\/a>\u201d Ensign,<\/i> February 1999, 2).<\/p>\n

Where is the right place? Who is the right person? When is the right time? Fortunately, President Hinckley and others have given us inspired counsel concerning these questions, and more than 60 years of research in the social sciences adds another witness to their counsel. Although the guidance I am going to share today is primarily for unmarried individuals, much of what I say can help married couples continue to strengthen their marriages.<\/p>\n

The Right Place<\/b><\/h2>\n

The right place is, of course, the temple. \u201cThere is no substitute for marrying in the temple,\u201d counsels President Hinckley. \u201cIt is the only place under the heavens where marriage can be solemnized for eternity. Don\u2019t cheat yourself. Don\u2019t cheat your companion. Don\u2019t shortchange your lives\u201d (\u201cLife\u2019s Obligations,\u201d 2).<\/p>\n

The Right Person<\/b><\/h2>\n

A person committed to temple marriage must then ask: \u201cWhom should I marry?\u201d \u201cHow do I identify the right person for me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Everyone has advice for single people considering marriage. The Beatles sang: \u201cAll you need is love, love; love is all you need.\u201d Newsstand magazines claim: \u201cGood communication is all you really<\/i> need.\u201d Television and film media seem to shout: \u201cFind someone who is good looking, someone who really \u2018turns you on\u2019; then you\u2019ll be happy!\u201d<\/p>\n

We actually have a great deal of advice from sources a lot better than the Beatles, magazines, or television and films. The words of the Savior in the scriptures and the teachings of inspired ancient and modern prophets set us on the right path. This divine and prophetic counsel is supported by more than 60 years of social science research on premarital predictors of later marital quality and stability. First let us look at what the scriptures and General Authorities teach about spouse selection. Then let us see how the results of research on premarital phenomenon that influence later marital success can be a \u201csecond witness.\u201d<\/p>\n

Let me make two things clear about what is meant by \u201cthe right person.\u201d First, movies, plays, and fiction sometimes lead us astray with the idea there is a \u201cone and only\u201d somewhere out there with whom we made a covenant to marry in the premortal existence. We think finding a mate is simply a matter of waiting for \u201csome enchanted evening,\u201d locking eyes with someone \u201cacross a crowded room,\u201d heading off hand-in-hand to the closest temple\u2014probably singing the rest of the score from South Pacific\u2014<\/i>and then living happily ever after. No matter how romantic this idea is, it is not supported by prophetic counsel. President Spencer W. Kimball said this:<\/p>\n

\u201cSoul mates\u201d are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.<\/i> [\u201cMarriage and Divorce,\u201d in Speeches of the Year, 1976<\/i> (Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University, 1977), 146]<\/p>\n

Evidently, seeking for a mate is not a matter of waiting for that \u201cone and only\u201d to walk by and grab you.<\/p>\n

Being the Right Person<\/b><\/h2>\n

Second, one of the most important principles we learn from the scriptures to help us choose an eternal companion is articulated by the Savior in Matthew 7:3\u20135:<\/p>\n

And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother\u2019s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?<\/i><\/p>\n

Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?<\/i><\/p>\n

Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother\u2019s eye.<\/i><\/p>\n

Elder Neal A. Maxwell spoke more specifically to those in families, including those in the courtship stage, when he said:<\/p>\n

If the choice is between reforming other Church members<\/i> [including fianc\u00e9s, fianc\u00e9es, spouses, children] or ourselves, is there really any question about where we should begin? The key is to have our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others\u2014not the other way around! The imperfections of others never release us from the need to work on our own shortcomings.<\/i> [\u201cA Brother Offended,<\/a>\u201d Ensign,<\/i> May 1982, 39]<\/p>\n

Thus, as you think about the prophetic counsel and the research I will now discuss on choosing a spouse, you need first to apply the ideas and counsel to yourself. Then you can more appropriately critique another\u2019s rightness for you.<\/p>\n

Finding the Right Person<\/b><\/h2>\n

The first quality many young people look for in a potential spouse is someone with whom they can \u201cfall in love,\u201d which often means someone for whom they feel a strong physical attraction. Although love is more than physical attraction, being physically attracted to a potential spouse is not bad. Indeed, Elder Bruce R. McConkie said, \u201cThe right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist.\u201d Then he went on to add: \u201cIt is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make\u201d (CR,<\/i> October 1955, 13).<\/p>\n

Being \u201cin love\u201d and attracted to a person is a good start, but clearly not enough. President Gordon B. Hinckley suggested several other factors we should keep in mind:<\/p>\n

Choose a companion of your own faith. You are much more likely to be happy. Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty.<\/i> [Hinckley, \u201cLife\u2019s Obligations, 2]<\/p>\n

Elder Richard G. Scott suggested that in a potential spouse we should look for<\/p>\n

essential attributes that bring happiness: a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home.<\/i> [\u201cReceive the Temple Blessings<\/a>,\u201d Ensign,<\/i> May 1999, 26]<\/p>\n

More than 60 years of research proposes several factors that both witness and complement the attributes outlined by President Hinckley and Elder Scott. That research suggests what my colleague Dr. Jeff Larson has called \u201cthe marriage triangle\u201d that we need to look at in choosing a spouse (see Thomas B. Holman and Associates, Premarital Prediction of Marital Quality or Breakup: Research, Theory, and Practice<\/i> [New York: Plenum, in press]). These factors are: first, the individual attributes and core values of the person; second, the quality of the relationship we are able to build with the person; and third, the person\u2019s past and present circumstances and environments. Let\u2019s consider each of these.<\/p>\n

First, we need to know a lot about the person we are thinking of marrying. As Elder Scott notes, the beliefs the person has about family life matter, and research confirms this. The more the person values marriage and family life, the better the marriage will be. President Hinckley admonishes us to choose a person we can honor, respect, and give our whole heart, love, allegiance, and loyalty to. The research shows that this kind of person will have a healthy sense of self-respect, maturity, self-control, and good mental and emotional health.<\/p>\n

The Right Relationship<\/b><\/h2>\n

President Hinckley suggested you choose a person \u201cwho will complement you,\u201d and Elder Scott says our choice should be a person who \u201cis kindly understanding [and] forgiving of others.\u201d Thus, we need to find a person not only of good character, but a person with whom we can have a good relationship.<\/p>\n

Two hallmarks of good premarital relationships that Church leaders have stressed are love and communication. These two things help couples solve problems, resolve differences, and increase agreement on important issues. President Spencer W. Kimball helped a young couple on the verge of marriage with this counsel:<\/p>\n

The love of which the Lord speaks is not only physical attraction, but also faith, confidence, understanding, and partnership. It is devotion and companionship, parenthood, common ideals, and standards. It is cleanliness of life and sacrifice and unselfishness. This kind of love never tires nor wanes. It lives on through sickness and sorrow, through prosperity and privation, through accomplishment and disappointment, through time and eternity. . . . Today it is a demonstrative love, but in the tomorrows of ten, thirty, fifty years it will be a far greater and more intensified love, grown quieter and more dignified with the years of sacrifice, suffering, joys, and consecration to each other, to your family, and to the kingdom of God.<\/i> [\u201cAn Apostle Speaks About Marriage to John and Mary,\u201d Improvement Era,<\/i> February 1949, 76; also \u201cJohn and Mary, Beginning Life Together,<\/a>\u201d New Era,<\/i> June 1975, 7\u20138]<\/p>\n

Researchers have also found that the greater the love couples have in their relationships before they marry, the more successful their marriages. However, one researcher reviewed dozens of studies on love and found that there is both \u201cimmature love\u201d and \u201cmature love.\u201d Mature love, she declared, is the kind of love needed for successful marriage and family life (Patricia Noller, \u201cWhat Is This Thing Called Love? Defining the Love That Supports Marriage and Family,\u201dPersonal Relations<\/i> 3 [1996]: 97\u2013115). Love, whether immature or mature, has three aspects\u2014how love feels; how you think about love; and how you behave, or act, when in love.<\/p>\n

\n

Aspects of Love in the Social Sciences<\/b><\/h2>\n

I. Emotional Part of Love<\/em><\/p>\n

Immature Love: possessiveness, jealousy, infatuation, preoccupation, anxiety<\/p>\n

Mature Love: lasting passion, desire for companionship, warm feeling of contentment<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

II. Belief Part of Love<\/i><\/p>\n

Immature Love: “love is blind,” external to us, beyond our control<\/p>\n

Mature Love: commitment, trust, sharing, sacrifice<\/p>\n

III. Behavior Part of Love<\/i><\/p>\n

Immature Love: selfish, lustful, concerned only with satisfying own needs, clinging, overdependent, demanding of obedience<\/p>\n

Mature Love: creates an environment for growth and development, allows other space for growth<\/p>\n

Notice how the characteristics of love spoken of by President Kimball mirror what research has found to be the characteristics of the mature kind of love upon which stable, high-quality marriages and family life are built. But the love of which Church leaders speak goes beyond the love even the best social science research has discovered. It includes, as President Kimball noted, a \u201cconsecration\u201d to partner, to family, and also to the kingdom of God. This kind of love is intimately connected to covenants and to our love of the Lord. It is a love between couples \u201cthat binds them to each other and to the Lord\u201d (Bruce Hafen, \u201cCovenant Marriage,<\/a>\u201d Ensign, <\/i>November 1996, 28). This kind of love eschews the lust and selfishness of premarital sex and unlawful cohabitation. This kind of love cares more about the other person than the self.<\/p>\n

The way we communicate in dating and courtship usually influences how our partner will feel about us and our relationship. Relationships are established upon the comfort and trust created by sincere communication. Research notes that positive communication, practiced in dating and courtship relationships, increases the likelihood of greater commitment, better conflict resolution, and more love between partners in their marriage.<\/p>\n

Good communication begins with a righteous heart. \u201cOut of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh,\u201d said the Lord Jesus Christ (Matthew 12:34<\/a>). On the other hand, communication from a selfish heart is generally just manipulation. Elder Marvin J. Ashton adds:<\/p>\n

If we would know true love and understanding one for another, we must realize that communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the<\/i> wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally.<\/i> [\u201cFamily Communications,<\/a>\u201d Ensign, <\/i>May 1976, 52; emphasis in original]<\/p>\n

Past and Present Circumstances<\/b><\/h2>\n

Besides checking out the person\u2019s character and your ability to create a good couple relationship with them, you need to consider past and present family relationships. President David O. McKay taught: \u201cIn choosing a companion, it is necessary to study the disposition, the inheritance, and training of the one with whom you are contemplating making life\u2019s journey\u201d (GI, <\/i>459).<\/p>\n

Research supports President McKay\u2019s counsel. Good family environments and family relationships tend to lead to good quality marriages by the children; poor family environments and family relationships often result in poor marriages by the children from these homes. Young adults from divorced families, for example, may experience more depression and anger and have trust or commitment issues as a result of the trauma of parental divorce. Some individuals\u2014whether their parents divorced or not\u2014may have been exposed to poor models of communication and conflict resolution in their families. Individuals from families that were emotionally cold and distant, chaotic, dangerous, unpredictable, detached, full of conflict, or where addictions or violence were chronic problems may need special help in overcoming such an upbringing.<\/p>\n

However, one whose family background is less than perfect must never feel that he or she is \u201cdamaged goods\u201d and cannot have a good marriage. Nor should such a person be automatically eliminated from another\u2019s \u201cpool of eligible spouses.\u201d We are not doomed to suffer the consequences of our parents\u2019 iniquities \u201cunto the third and fourth generation.\u201d The very scriptures that warn of wickedness being passed on to the third and fourth generation also show the way out of a troubled family background. Doctrine and Covenants 124:50 tells us that the iniquities of the fathers will be visited upon the heads of the children \u201cso long as they [the children] repent not, and hate me.\u201d Thus repentance and loving the Lord help free us from the sins of our parents. What is most important is that the person has turned from the \u201cwicked traditions\u201d of the parents and is striving to keep the Lord\u2019s commandments (Alma 23:3<\/a>).<\/p>\n

The Right Time<\/b><\/h2>\n

When it comes to determining \u201cthe right time,\u201d at least two questions need to be asked and answered. First, when is the right time of life to get married? Second, how much time should I spend in the process of going \u201cfrom first date to chosen mate\u201d? Let me briefly address these issues.<\/p>\n

Years of research suggest that marriage has the fewest risks of later problems when people marry in their twenties. Marrying in your teens or into your thirties simply increases the risk factors associated with poorer marital quality and stability.<\/p>\n

President Harold B. Lee helps us understand when the best time in life is to marry. He said:<\/p>\n

Now don\u2019t misunderstand me. I am not trying to urge you younger men to marry too early. I think therein is one of the hazards of today\u2019s living. We don\u2019t want a young man to think of marriage until he is able to take care of a family, to have an institution of his own, to be independent. He must make sure that he has found the girl of his choice, they have gone together long enough that they know each other, and that they know each other\u2019s faults and they still love each other. . . .<\/i><\/p>\n

Please don\u2019t misunderstand what we are saying; but, brethren, think more seriously about the obligations of marriage for those who bear the holy priesthood at a time when marriage should be the expectation of every man who understands<\/i> [his] responsibility.<\/i> [\u201cPriesthood Address,<\/a>\u201d Ensign,<\/i> January 1974, 100]<\/p>\n

Sisters also need to wait until they are mature enough to assume the responsibilities of a wife and mother, without waiting too long while pursuing less important things.<\/p>\n

The ABCs of Courtship<\/b><\/h2>\n

How much time does it take to move through the process of finding the right person and preparing to marry him or her in the temple? Two research projects involving largely BYU students show what couples believe or have found to work for them. These two studies show that the average time from first date to temple marriage is about nine to 10 months. Some couples move much faster, some considerably slower. On average, three to four months of that nine to 10 months is the engagement. In a study of LDS couples married eight years, and in another study of single BYU students asked what the ideal length of an engagement should be, the vast majority think that three to four months is about right. Don\u2019t take these numbers as goals you must meet. What the Brethren and the research do seem to suggest is that you can go too fast or too slow through the process. There are, for example, discernible stages that most couples need to go through on the path from first date to chosen mate. We might call these stages the \u201cABCs of courtship,\u201d and there are certain tasks you need to accomplish in each stage (George Levinger, \u201cDevelopment and Change,\u201d in Harold H. Kelley et al., Close Relationships<\/i> [New York: W. H. Freeman, 1983], 321).<\/p>\n

A is the Attraction and Acquaintance stage. Research on LDS students by my colleague Dr. Craig Ostler, in the Department of Religious Education, shows initial attraction usually consists of physical attraction, attraction to the person\u2019s personality, and\/or attraction to their perceived spiritual qualities. According to Brother Ostler\u2019s research, LDS young people are most able to move from initial attraction to acquaintance and the start of a relationship if both the male and female are seeking, sending, and receiving what he called \u201cinterest cues and attraction strategies\u201d (Craig J. Ostler, \u201cInitiating Premarital Heterosexual Relationships: A Qualitative Study of Mate Selection Process from a Religiously Conservative Population\u201d [Ph.D. dissertation, Brigham Young University, 1995]). Thus relationships generally develop only when you are seeking to know if a person is interested; sending interest cues appropriately; and receiving back, or understanding how to interpret the other person\u2019s interest in you, or lack thereof. One who is deficient in one or more of these processes finds that relationships tend not to develop, and one or both partners can become very frustrated. Dr. Ostler found that the females especially understood what they needed to do\u2014and they were willing to teach roommates who were frustrated. They said, \u201cWhat you do is touch him on the arm, look him in the eye, and laugh at his jokes. Within a few days he will be asking you out.\u201d<\/p>\n

When the seeking, sending, and receiving is done in sync\u2014in other words, both people are seeking, sending, and receiving the same messages\u2014the couple moves to the B or Build-Up Stage. At this point the couple gets to know each other and checks out the person to see if he or she is the right person for them. Research by two of my master\u2019s students\u2014EmRee Pugmire and Nancy McLaughlin\u2014has shown that, generally speaking, LDS males and females move through this stage best when a friendship is developed first; when both persons feel they are full and equal partners in the growing relationship; when this friendship happens before much, if any, physical involvement has occurred; and when both people are relaxed and not worrying about whether this particular relationship is \u201cthe one\u201d and just kind of let things happen.<\/p>\n

If all these things happen, then the couple is ready to move to the C stage, the stage of Consolidation, Continuation, and mutual Commitment to the eternal relationship.<\/p>\n

Making the Decision<\/b><\/h2>\n

President Gordon B. Hinckley has some counsel about this stage:<\/p>\n

I hope you will not put off marriage too long. I do not speak so much to the young women as to the young men whose prerogative and responsibility it is to take the lead in this matter. Don\u2019t go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game. Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision.<\/i> [\u201cThou Shalt Not Covet,<\/a>\u201d Ensign,<\/i> March 1990, 6]<\/p>\n

We must finally \u201cmake a decision,\u201d as President Hinckley says. In doing this, most Latter-day Saints want a spiritual confirmation that they are making a wise commitment. As you seek a spiritual confirmation, you need to keep at least five things in mind.<\/p>\n

First, be worthy to receive the inspiration you need. Elder Boyd K. Packer reminds us that if we \u201cdesire the inspiration of the Lord in this crucial decision, [we] must live the standards of the Church\u201d (Eternal Love <\/i>[Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1973], 11).<\/p>\n

Second, understand the balance between agency and inspiration. As Elder Bruce R. McConkie said, \u201cWe make our own choices, and then we present the matter to the Lord and get his approving, ratifying seal\u201d (\u201cAgency or Inspiration?<\/a>\u201d New Era,<\/i> January 1975, 42).<\/p>\n

The experience of one young man illustrates this:<\/p>\n

There are two things in my life that I\u2019ve always felt would be important: a career and marriage. Yet at the time I didn\u2019t feel like I was getting a response. I prayed, \u201cHeavenly Father, this is so important, I need to know whether or not it\u2019s right.\u201d Then, toward the end of our courtship, I went to the temple. I was so frustrated because I wasn\u2019t getting an answer either way. After praying and waiting for an answer, I got more frustrated and gave up. That was when an impression came to me: \u201cYou already know the answer.\u201d Then I realized that God had answered my prayers. The decision to marry Becky always made sense and felt right. I can see now that God had been telling me in my heart and in my mind that it was a good decision. And later, at the time of the ceremony, I had another confirmation that what I was doing was right.<\/i><\/p>\n

Third, seek multiple witnesses. The scriptures teach us that \u201cin the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established\u201d (2 Corinthians 13:1<\/a>; D&C 6:28<\/a>). A spiritual witness can be confirmed a second or greater time at the altar in the temple, as noted above; in prayer by the Spirit again; in discussions with parents, a bishop, or a trusted friend; while partaking of the sacrament; or in any number of circumstances.<\/p>\n

Fourth, learn to discern between inspiration, infatuation, desperation, and a desire to please others. Inspiration comes as explained above: when one is living worthy, when one is exercising agency and studying it all out carefully, and when one\u2019s decisions are confirmed by multiple spiritual enlightenments and peaceful feelings (see D&C 6:15, 22\u201323<\/a>). Infatuation is usually manifest by the immature \u201clove\u201d I discussed earlier\u2014that including great anxiety, possessiveness, selfishness, clinging, and overdependence. Infatuation may be more likely with individuals who lack emotional and spiritual maturity. Desperation is often associated with social or cultural circumstances that create an atmosphere (at least in the person\u2019s mind) of \u201cnow or never.\u201d Pressure from peers, family, and cultural norms may create a sense of desperation that leads to an unwise decision. A desire to get away from an unpleasant family situation or fear of failure in school or work situations can also cause someone to look desperately to marriage as a way out of a problem. On the other hand, pressure from peers, family, and cultural norms may create a situation where you put off marriage for fear that others will think you are just a \u201cMolly Mormon\u201d or a \u201cNorman the Mormon\u201d who doesn\u2019t \u201cunderstand\u201d that marriage is \u201cold-fashioned\u201d and can \u201cruin your career.\u201d Such pressures to marry or not marry often create fears and anxieties that \u201cspeak\u201d so loudly in our minds that we cannot hear the still, small whisperings of the Spirit.<\/p>\n

Fifth, the spiritual confirmation needs to come to both parties involved. A person should not feel that if his or her partner receives a confirmation, that he or she is therefore released from the necessity of seeking a similar confirmation. Elder Dallin H. Oaks discussed this issue:<\/p>\n

If a revelation is outside the limits of stewardship, you know it is not from the Lord, and you are not bound by it. I have heard of cases where a young man told a young woman she should marry him because he had received a revelation that she was to be his eternal companion. If this is a true revelation, it will be confirmed directly to the woman if she seeks to know. In the meantime, she is under no obligation to heed it. She should seek her own guidance and make up her own mind. The man can receive revelation to guide his own actions, but he cannot properly receive revelation to direct hers. She is outside his stewardship.<\/i>[\u201cRevelation,<\/a>\u201d 1981\u201382 BYU Fireside and Devotional Speeches<\/i> (Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University, 1982), 25]<\/p>\n

The D and E of Relationship Development<\/b><\/h2>\n

Not all relationships end in marriage, and rightly so. Therefore we need to understand not only the ABCs of courtship but also the D and E stages of courtship: Deterioration and Ending. The D and E phases of relationship development are possibly the most difficult to deal with. Relationships, of course, can \u201cdeteriorate\u201d and \u201cend\u201d very quickly\u2014after only a few minutes of acquaintance or at any stage of development. But breaking up a relationship that has grown toward a sense of interdependence and possible thoughts of marriage are particularly difficult to end.<\/p>\n

If it is right to break off a relationship, how can that be done so as to cause the least hurt? The revelation given by the Lord to Joseph Smith and contained in section 121 of the Doctrine and Covenants provides excellent counsel not only for strengthening but also ending a relationship. Especially helpful is the counsel contained in these verses:<\/p>\n

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;<\/i><\/p>\n

By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile\u2014<\/i><\/p>\n

Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;<\/i><\/p>\n

That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.<\/i> [D&C 121:41\u201344<\/a>]<\/p>\n

Verses 41 and 42 teach us that we should not attempt to continue a relationship by any unrighteous means. A partner should not be coerced into staying in a relationship, nor should we ever feel coerced. Furthermore, when a relationship should end, the principles articulated in verses 41 and 42 can be a guide for dealing with the hurt and emotion that may result. One may need to be very long-suffering, gentle, meek, and kind with a partner who does not understand or resists the change. The counsel given in verses 43 and 44 may seem extreme, but when considered carefully, it is some of the best counsel we can get for ending a relationship. To reprove means \u201cto correct,\u201d and betimes means \u201cearly on.\u201d Thus, when \u201cpure knowledge,\u201d received by the Holy Ghost, helps us understand that a relationship must end, we should \u201ccorrect\u201d the situation (end the relationship) quickly and not let it drag on. The word sharply<\/i> can mean \u201cwith clarity\u201d\u2014think of a sharp picture\u2014rather than \u201cwith severity,\u201d as it is most often interpreted. Thus, while being as loving and kind as we can, we should make it clear that the relationship is ending and why\u2014rather than \u201cbeating around the bush,\u201d hoping the partner will get the message. Again, this should be done with kindness, meekness, and love unfeigned; recognizing that even if the partner has hurt us in some way, she or he is a beloved child of God who must be treated in a Christlike manner.<\/p>\n

If one is the \u201cbreakee\u201d rather than the \u201cbreaker,\u201d the same counsel applies: This partner you believe you love should not be coerced or forced in any way to continue if she or he does not want to continue. Even if the emotional hurt you feel is strong, you need to back off, not try to hurt the partner back in some way, and allow yourself time to heal.<\/p>\n

Breaking up is not the end of the world. Great learning and maturity can come from surviving a premarital breakup. If one initiates or goes through a breakup with as much Christlike behavior and feelings as possible, and allows himself or herself to be healed by the peace of the Spirit, that person is then more ready to move on to a relationship that can result in an eternal marriage\u2014but not too quickly, mind you.<\/p>\n

Helps for Choosing the Right Person, the Right Place, and the Right Time<\/b><\/h2>\n

The Church and BYU have some wonderful resources to help you choose the right person, the right place, and the right time. Let me note three of them:<\/p>\n

1. Most institutes of religion and Church universities will have a religion course numbered 234 and titled Preparation for a Celestial Marriage. It is my understanding that a new student text for the course is coming out this fall. I encourage you to take this course.<\/p>\n

2. The Family Studies Center at Brigham Young University has a Web site designed specifically to provide resources for couples preparing for marriage. It is the Before Forever site. Its URL is http:\/\/marriageinfo.byu.edu. Before Forever provides comprehensive and ready-to-use information online to help LDS couples better plan their future marriage. Before Forever is not a dating service or a counseling center. The site offers publications such as Ensign<\/i> articles, books, and speeches about various marital and premarital topics; work sheets about different premarital and marital issues; and news and information about marriage and family events.<\/p>\n

3. Another Family Studies Center Web site contains a survey called the RELATionship Evaluation, or RELATE, which you and your partner can complete online. Within minutes you will receive feedback online regarding the strengths and work areas in your relationship. RELATE is designed for unmarried and newly married couples, and we will soon have adolescent, remarriage, and mature adult versions available. Also, it will soon be available online in Spanish and Portuguese. RELATE\u2019s URL is http:\/\/relate.byu.edu.<\/p>\n

The Right Person Is Not Perfect\u2014Yet<\/b><\/h2>\n

Our son Matt recently married a wonderful young woman from Oregon, and as my wife, Linda, and I were driving to the reception in Oregon, we reminisced about our own courtship and marriage. The more we talked, the more I remembered how immature I had been when we married.<\/p>\n

Finally, in bewilderment, I asked Linda, \u201cWhy did you marry me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Her simple answer was, \u201cI saw potential.\u201d<\/p>\n

As we search for a mate with whom we can spend the eternities, therefore, we would do well to remember Elder Richard G. Scott\u2019s counsel that mirrors my wife\u2019s comments:<\/p>\n

I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.<\/i> [\u201cReceive the Temple Blessings,<\/a>\u201d Ensign, <\/i>May 1999, 26]<\/p>\n

That you may \u201cmarry the right person in the right place at the right time\u201d is my prayer, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.<\/p>\n

\u00a9 Brigham Young University. All rights reserved.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"template":"","tags":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe Right Person, the Right Place, the Right Time | BYU Speeches<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Marriage can be an intimidating decision, but we have been given all we need to find the right person, the right time, and the right place for us.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/speeches.byu.edu\/talks\/thomas-b-holman\/right-person-right-place-right-time\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Right Person, the Right Place, the Right Time\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Marriage can be an intimidating decision, but we have been given all we need to find the right person, the right time, and the right place for us.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/speeches.byu.edu\/talks\/thomas-b-holman\/right-person-right-place-right-time\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"BYU Speeches\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/byuspeeches\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-10-13T14:57:06+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/speeches.byu.edu\/wp-content\/uploads\/jpg\/The-Right-Person-Social-Media-Image-compressor.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"600\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"400\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@BYUSpeeches\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"24 minutes\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"Thomas B. 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