The Superwoman that Never Was: Falling Short of the Ideal

It was the end of a long day proselyting in Perú. I was eating dinner with my companion, our pensionista, who cooked for us each day, and her husband, William. As the end of my mission was quickly approaching, William gave me advice for my transition into post-mission life. According to him, it was going to be way harder than my mission. Fat chance, I thought. But everyone who talked to me about it would—shortly after congratulating me on serving a faithful mission—begin to enumerate the difficulties I would soon encounter upon my release. Despite this, I remained positive, brushing off the negative talk.

During that period, I thought of the person I would be upon my return. I had learned so much on my mission, and I was convinced that I would be superwoman: I would continue studying my scriptures and Preach My Gospel every day and be a perfect member missionary—all in addition to getting straight A’s, serving others, dating frequently, and maintaining a healthy social life. I set goals for myself that I later realized were unattainable.

Reality Sets In

Three days after returning from my mission, I flew off to college. I met my roommates, convinced that I was going to have a great time. I began classes, and although my classes were overwhelming the first week—I could hardly speak English, let alone digest accounting—I figured I would adjust soon enough. However, I felt overwhelmed and overworked the entire semester.

My life was not aligning with my perfectly organized goals. My scripture study, while daily, was not as long or in-depth as it was on the mission. My car was constantly in the shop, leaving me dependent on others for rides. Instead of being the one offering service, I found myself on the other end, asking others for help. School was bombarding me, and for the first time in my life, I felt dumb. I hardly got asked out on dates. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, everything was slipping through my fingers, and I felt like Heavenly Father was neglecting me. Where were those blessings promised to me for my missionary service?

A New Perspective

While listening to Erin Holmes’s devotional, “Waiting upon the Lord: The Antidote to Uncertainty,” I felt the Spirit reassure me that the blessings would come and counsel that I should persevere in faith and hope. She said:

Uncertainty has many faces. It includes questions, doubts, ambiguity, and the discovery that persons (or things) are not quite what we expected. In essence, uncertainty is a reflection of the gap between our desire for the ideal and our experience of reality. The ideal represents how we think things ought to or should be; reality is how things actually are. Though we live our lives in the real world, our dreams and goals are often reflected in ideals. When we experience “a gap between the ideal and the real,” we experience uncertainty. 

I was less than the ideal RM that I wanted to be. I felt uncertain about what Heavenly Father thought of me and why he might be momentarily withholding blessings and answers to my righteous desires. But slowly, I learned to stop expecting myself to live up to my ideal and to embrace my best efforts, meager as they were on some days. Sister Holmes shared her own experiences of uncertainty and then shared her testimony, which deeply resonated with me:

I am still waiting. In my waiting I have sought God and found Him. His plan for me is unfolding as I take His hand and accept the invitation to become a cocreator with Him. I am trying to choose hope and faith. Sometimes, when I am lost, He finds me. [“Waiting upon the Lord: The Antidote to Uncertainty,” 4 April 2017]

A Work-In-Progress

As Sister Holmes still faces uncertainty, so do I. Some of the trials that plagued me when I first came home are still there. I am still very much a work-in-progress as I learn to have faith and hope. Yet, some burdens have been lightened, and other paths have been shown to me. It is hard to be patient and wait upon the Lord, but I am learning patience, and each day I trust more in a loving Heavenly Father who is mindful of my struggles and weaknesses. I know that He lives and cares for us, and I hope that we can all learn to wait upon Him and His plan.

—Lauren Canizales

Lauren Canizales is an office assistant at BYU Publications & Graphics. She is an aspiring graphic designer who loves all things beautiful. When she is not drawing and dreaming, she likes chowing down on burgers and shakes.